The other day was my son’s first father’s day. We celebrated the day before because my husband goes fishing for father’s day, which he has done now for many years with his hunting club. If he has a good day at sea, we have a lovely fresh fish dinner when he gets home. So Sunday morning, I sat alone on my back deck admiring the view, one with my thoughts, sipping my coffee as the hum of the pool, the songs of the birds and the tinkling of the wind chimes provided the melodies
After some prayer and quiet reflection, I found myself on youtube listening to a song I listen to often called “He would be 16” sung by Michelle Wright. It is a song about a women who gave up her son for adoption when she was a teenager and it is now 16 years later, as she drives past a school and a high school football game, she finds herself wondering what he is like. You can feel the ache and longing in her heart as she thinks about what never was… I listen to this song often. It is a reminder of how truly blessed I am.
It is especially poignant for me because I too found myself pregnant as a teenager, except unlike the woman in this song, I was able to raise my son. My parents stood by my boyfriend (now husband) and me and supported us until we were able to support ourselves and we were able to become a family. A few years later that family would be complete when our second son was born.
I closed my eyes and listened and the tears starting trickling down my cheek as they often do, but that day the intensity level was overwhelming and I found myself in a heavy sob, not out of sadness, but rather out of complete and utter gratitude. My beautiful son who came into my life much earlier than I ever thought would happen and changed it so much; who brought me so much joy and happiness on his own, now has a child of his own, my grandson. The love takes my breath away.
The choices we make in our lives, dictate the path we follow. Some choices once made, cannot be undone… other choices open up our world to bigger and brighter days, possibly much more challenging, yet the most rewarding days.
When I think back to this time in my life, I recognize how truly blessed I was. I could have been just another statistic, written off to have a life filled with heartache and struggle. In my heart while I knew there was only one choice I could live with, I technically had two choices 1. keep my baby and raise him or 2. give him up for adoption. If my parents did not love and support me and my unborn child unconditionally, then the latter, which would have broken my heart, would have been the choice I had to make. Yes, there were some trying times, I had to grow up much faster than expected, I changed my career path and had to give up college for a one year business certificate so I could earn a living to contribute to my family. My friends went off to school and got degrees and went to parties and football games. I missed out on some of those experiences but I became a mother which is the best life lesson one can live. I wouldn’t trade that for any other opportunity that was passed over.
I have a wonderful life, anchored by a loving family and my faith in God. Everything I am, everything that I have achieved, all the happiness and joy I immerse myself in every day grows from this source of unconditional love. Love of each other, love from Jesus. The same love I have passed down to my sons and my son will pass down to his son and any future children he and his wife are blessed with. So those tears that I sometimes cry are not for what is, but for what almost wasn’t.