Things are good right now, like really good, like fantastic. Yet for several days last week there was this thin layer of sadness sitting right below the surface and I don’t know why. Even though my days were filled with joy and happiness, there were moments that were was replaced fleetingly with I feel sad, I want to cry and tears welled up in my eyes.
I am by definition someone you would consider happy. I have never struggled with my emotions or depression. I seek and find the potential good in most situations.. Yet every morning a few days in a row, the words I’m sad came to mind and resonated with me. I found myself teary eyed multiple times, randomly… not just sappy movie moments. The sadness did not prohibit me from movement. It did not paralyze me with a need to stay in one place and do nothing. I did not feel overwhelmed.. just every so often, tears and sadness struck and then resolved itself just as quickly as it appeared.
Once upon a time I would have equated that with hormones and getting ready for “that time of the month”. (One day every month, look out) But at the tender age of 57 this coming Friday, that ship has sailed.. Yet maybe residual effects remain – who knows?
This experience had me thinking a lot about depression and sadness. For a moment I thought – is this how it starts? Small subtle tinges of sadness that grow and grow… I do not believe I am heading towards depression, I think this is just life and sometimes we just feel things unexpectedly.. Otherwise how would we fall in love with our partners, or meet strangers on the playground or on a mountain who become instant friends.
I also found myself at war with my feelings.. I actually said, you have no right to be sad. Your life is amazing, other people have real problems and circumstances which warrant sadness.. and then I thought.. it’s this type of thinking that is at the base of misunderstanding and lack of compassion for those who are sad, those who suffer from depression, those whose lives are deeply controlled and affected by emotions that they have very little control over.
My heart goes out to those who do suffer from depression. I tried, I really tried to make my sadness go away when I was feeling it, but I had no control over it.. I couldn’t distract it away, or exercise it away, or even pray it away immediately. These things did bring a sense of relief but the feeling itself still lingered until it just went away on its own.. I woke up one morning and thought: Am I sad? And the answer was no..
All of society will probably will never get it right and be empathetic and kind, but there are A LOT of people who do want to understand and be supportive and help.. even if that help is to say… Feel what you feel, do not be ashamed. It’s ok. You are loved, I am praying for you and sending you good vibes. I am here to listen or I will just sit with you and be still.