When the volcano blows

I hear the rush of water from a distance growing louder and louder the closer I get. It’s exciting and peaceful at the same time. I arrive at the base of the falls and the rush of the water catches hold of me. I find myself lost in the movement and the frenzy yet I am anchored in a place of quiet calm.

I sometimes get angry easily, but when that happens, I tend to blow my top, a little lava comes out and stops somewhere around my base before anyone else gets hurt in its path. With a few coping techniques, I process and move away from the fire and heat and go on my merry way!

Last week I blew my stack, I mean lava erupting, smoke billowing, hands shaking, blurry vision, rage brought on by the behavior of someone who has proven time and again to fall short of expectations. The feigned ignorance and side stepping of responsibilities, while normally just gets me frustrated, really set off an extremely visceral reaction which I squashed until I was alone. I did not take advantage of my normal coping techniques and my mind and body were agitated for hours. I considered eating my emotions and devouring the bag of tortilla chips in the closet, but instead I let the roast beef I was already planning on eating fill the void. Oh and I stumbled upon a dark chocolate bar in my drawer and broke off a few squares of that to help take the edge off a bit.

That night after work we headed up to see the grandbabies. In the pouring rain on the car ride up, I tried to release the emotions that were still bottled up inside and was not doing a very good job.

When we visit the kids, there is a ritual. I ring the doorbell and my son and Ryder come down the stairs to greet us … and every time he (Ryder, not my son) squeals with delight and yells Nonna, Grandpa and then sort of jumps up and down then spins around and says come on as he beckons us up the stairs. This particular day though, his enthusiasm was through the roof and when he saw me not only did he do his usual jumping but he literally lunged through the door out onto the porch into my arms. He squealed with delight, he was crazy excited. He looked for grandpa who was still parking the car and then we bound up the stairs, still yelling and excited. Nonna’s here, Nonna’s here.

I looked up and softly whisper “thank you” because I got exactly what I needed; for at that very second, I was transformed. I was standing at the base of the waterfall, cleansed and filled with nothing but pure joy. Soon we heard the door which announced the arrival of grandpa and Ryder went crazy again, jumping yelling, hi grandpa with the same enthusiasm he had shown me. We had a lovely visit. We took turns on the floor playing with Ryder and snuggling with Walker. Walker opened his eyes a bit and we got a few smiles. Holding them both close, breathing them in, I am full. The love of children providing complete healing.

The next day, the prior frustration mostly forgotten, well I did label my punching bag at #cko just in case.. I had time to reflect on my emotions from the day before. The further away I got from the explosion, the more I realized what caused it. I was carrying a lot of sadness and grief last week and instead of facing that I allowed it to be transformed into rage. And I attached it to someone who does not or should not have the power to impact me like that.

Understanding our emotions can be a very tricky endeavor and when we fail to recognize the root of our feelings, we can sometimes allow ourselves to be lead down a path that is not ours.

Maybe Jimmy Buffet doesn’t know where he is going to go when the volcano blows, but this girl is going to run towards love. I am in charge of finding my peace and only I can decide who I let take the calm away from me. Be aware. Be calm. Be kind. Namaste.