December 9th

Slept in past sunrise this morning. Fighting the remnants of sinusitis, it seems the nighttime medicine took hold. I hesitated before I opened the blinds to invite the day in. I looked upon a somewhat hazy sky highlighted by the sparkling crystal dew which had frozen upon the horizon. Although I felt a shiver, I made yesterday’s coffee into an iced wintery blend with my collagen powder, sugar free Italian cream and nutmeg and my frother and was drawn back to the window to gaze out. And there he was Blitzen, his strong back and fierce legs, his head erect with that majestic rack, he turned and looked right at me, or so it seemed. Then he turned and began to leave. I grabbed my coat, hat and boots and ventured out to the back deck in the hopes he would come closer, but he chose a different path and now he’s gone. The tears are forming and will soon come. I know who you are. The sun is shining brighter now, opening up the haze and illuminating the reeds that are gently blowing in the mild breeze. I breathe in the fresh air, it feels good in my lungs, but I know it is not the best for my head, so after a few moments of quiet stillness, I head back inside.

A million thoughts racing through my somewhat clouded mind. A dull ache of sadness and unknowing beats in my heart, present every day, more so today. I am a master at hiding some of the pain I carry within me. I sit down to my bible reflection. Today it is 1 Corinthians 13:13. And now these three remain, Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is love. Love wasn’t enough, so I find myself clinging to the Faith and Hope. Happy Birthday, wherever you are. And the tears fall.

I move my mind away from those thoughts and begin reflecting on the year ending and those things that I am trying to accomplish before the clock strikes 12 on 2023…read 52 books, hike 365 miles, earn silver status on United (15 PDQ away, 1 flight that would have happened this week if not for this sinus thingy), drop a few more pounds…all rather frivolous, except the hiking achievement means a tree will be planted, so good for the environment. If I fail that is 1 less tree, but if so many others fail too – then what? My just one in this case is important or at least it has revealed its importance to me. We tend to forget often that our just one is huge, in all things, so we shy away, not get involved, withdraw ourselves thinking what’s the use.

Hunger strikes and I lament where I wish I had been the past two days and decide to bring some tropical warmth to my day with a chocolate, coconut and pineapple protein waffle. There is a purpose in every choice I make, subconscious or otherwise, it exists.

I’d been contemplating a simple hike today, but truth is it is not a good idea. While I’m feeling better, I do not have enough energy to hike and go to the concert tonight with my sister, so I will save my energy for later. I am determined to reach that 365 goal, so I will use some time to plot and plan my path to achieving those last few miles. Also staying put opens up time for reading. I am currently halfway through book number 47, Mother Teresa – Come be my Light (prompt author same name as yours). The most faithful servant ever, suffered from periods of darkness and lonelines…

This year has been one of great joy and great sorrow. My beautiful grandson arrived in January the best gift of all this year. My grandsons have added a whole new layer of joy to my existence. Sadly though, we lost many beloved family members and friends. It cuts deep and leaves us with gaping holes. Our family connections will be put to the test for sure, but this fire seems to have erupted within us to strengthen our bonds. This year some friendships have blossomed and grown spectacularly, while others waned and still others have been destroyed completely due to betrayal and lies. Overall, I am confident that I will not look back with any sense of remorse or regret over this year and the choices I have made. If I happen to fall short on any of the goals I am striving to achieve, it will not diminish the importance and value of each step I took along the way as I was reaching for the stars.

Once again, I find myself repeating the same phrase from one of my favorite poems by e.e. cummings :

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)